M.I.A. but not D.O.A.

Hello there,

Tom on bridgeI’ve been missing in action this past month but there is a good reason for it. First, I spent two weeks hiking in the Andes Mountains in Peru, visiting ancient sites and swatting bugs in the Amazon Rainforest…with very little Internet access.

Bugsy 8th Grade GraduationThen I had to bury one of my best friends the next week. Yes, he was the inspiration for one of the characters in my latest novel.

Needless to say, I haven’t felt like writing for a few weeks. That will change soon. On a good note, I just received a wonderful review of “The Art of Raising Hell” from Readers’ Favorites. If you’re not familiar with them, please check it out.readers favorite square

Readers’s Favorites Review

Life or death

Since we’re on the subject of Bradbury, here’s another one: “Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at walls all day. Others are called writers and do pretty much the same thing.”

midnight clamour

“There must be something in books, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing.”

― Ray Bradbury

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THE ART OF NARRATING WELL…OR HELL

Mark Twain

Finding a narrator to create an audiobook is no fun. Any author who has used ACX knows exactly what I’m talking about.

I must have searched through 2,000 auditions trying to find the right voice…and price. Oh yes, there are wonderful voices out there, but will they roll the dice with you and narrate your book for nothing but hope that you’ll split thousands of dollars in royalties later? Probably not, and I can’t blame them.

SNL Narrator

I’d actually given up looking after countless auditions and solicitations. There was the narrator who was fantastic, but sounded like my grandfather. Did I mention that a teenager narrates my novel in first person? Then there were the narrators who sounded great, but just didn’t know when to pause, when to sigh or when to run with it.

Figure of storyteller

Then came along L.J… In my last hour of desperation, when I was ready to scrap the whole idea, L.J. Ganser sent me an audition recording that sounded like a chorus of angels. He went on to record the whole book in two days and created a masterpiece. If you don’t believe me, please take a listen.

Audio Sample…http://www.amazon.com/The-Art-of-Raising-Hell/dp/B0119F6XFU/ref=tmm_aud_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&sr=1-1&qid=1428593341

Freedom is an Open Road

I just want to get out my guitar and put a melody to these words. Wonderful!

roamwildandfree

Freedom is an Open Road

Written by my brother, Bobby Birkhofer, as a gift for my 22nd birthday

If you would like to share his work, please give credit to the amazing literary artist that he is!

As I sat upon a mountainside with all the world before me

I observed the sun high in the sky running its daily course

And I thought to myself ‘isn’t this the way things are supposed to be?’

And the answer came easily without any doubt, without remorse

All the money the world couldn’t buy a bluer sky than this

Nothing could warm my heart more than the sweet Wyoming sun

No worldly possessions could ever bring more happiness

Than the satisfaction I feel here when every day is done

So if I ever leave this country,

I’m sure it’s blue skies and western wind will always call me home

And I will…

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Best Damn Coffee In The World

coffee cupI recently spent two weeks in Peru tromping through the jungle and climbing mountains higher than any sane person should climb, but the thing that impressed me the most was their coffee.

Tom having coffee

It was so smooth and rich that I’m finding it hard to drink the watered down mush we drink here in the States. Someone please tell me how to find a coffee maker/press that will duplicate their local brew.

10 Reasons Why Shopping at Wal-Mart is Proof That Hell Is Full and the Dead Are Walking the Earth

This is what I’ve been wanting to say for years.

Bonnywood Manor

SR 1171

1. The Parking Lot

If a given vehicle is such a supreme piece of safety-violating crap that the only legal reason it should be on the road is if someone is hauling it to a salvage depot, this vehicle will instead be driven to the nearest Wal-Mart. The belching contraption will then be utilized to further undermine society in a number of ways.

It is apparently mandatory that the deathtrap be driven by an individual so incredibly impaired that it will take at least two hours to simply park the car. And this grueling feat of endurance usually follows the same mind-numbing pattern. First, the idiot heads straight toward the front of the store, as if there has ever been an available parking slot that close to the entrance.

The car will rumble in place for roughly twenty minutes, sitting right in the middle of the pedestrian crosswalk, forcing everyone…

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